How Did I Get Here?

It’s been two months, y’all. I don’t even know how that happened, I mean I do. I wasn’t ready to share and then I got overwhelmed by how much time I let pass. Ugh. The only person holding me accountable is me and I’m a real jerk sometimes – a real ball buster. So without further ado…

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First, let me unload my purse filled with garbage

• I’ve been in a lot of physical pain. I have problems with my left hip that just gives me a ton of grief throughout my body and I felt pretty defeated. I had to stop working out for a little over a month which totally sucked because I was on a roll enjoying it, so stopping I knew meant I’d lose that momentum. Leg pains are still there, not as bad though. I am finally back at the gym and getting my momentum back. It’s just been hard mentally having so much physical pain. My dad was in a lot of pain for most of his later years, so I thought about him a lot. Thought about how much he pushed through, thought about how weak it made him feel. It just wasn’t a good mental place, but I’m pulling out of it.

• I felt isolated and like I wasn’t enough. Y’all, dating isn’t good for me, especially online apps. I literally don’t know how people do it. I’m nice and honest, which I fear puts me in this category of not being complicated or challenging enough? Like maybe I need to add some mystery, crazy behavior or some crap like that? I don’t know. I let something my mother said really get to me and I’ve had a hard time shaking it out. We were out to dinner and she started talking about dad and she started crying and said, “I just know he wanted you to find someone, he knew it’s what you wanted. All he wanted was for you to be happy. He wanted that for you. He wanted you to find someone.” I was ugly crying at this restaurant, we both were. Poor waitress had no idea how to come talk to our table. “Uhhh How are the, uhh, steak bites?” It’s hilarious in hindsight, but at the time it made me sad. It made me feel incomplete, like I wasn’t enough being just me.

• Reality is setting in that I won’t see my dad again. I know, I know. I’ve just had some moments, for the first time honestly, where I’ve gone to call him or go upstairs to his room and reality gives me a real sucker punch. Honestly, I’ll probably have these moments for the rest of my life, but they kind of suck. Like, a lot. These moments have been happening in public lately and the whole random outburst of tears over weird things or songs is not my cutest look. And I’m wondering why the men aren’t flocking my direction…?

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How about some good stuff? (AKA We get it, Sarah, you cry a lot)

• I went to two concerts and it was so great for my soul. Seeing live music is just great for my spirits and I was so fortunate to see two phenomenal bands. I got to see The Decemberists and my very favorite, Lord Huron. When I was drinking I’d watch my favorite bands come and go, struggling to make an effort to go but I never had the money to. Now that I have a little extra cash I usually can afford to, so I’ve started buying two tickets when I see a concert come to town that I want to see. It’s been great and gives me something to look forward to, which totally helps the spirits. Next concert is Blind Pilot in a few weeks, can’t wait!

• I’m seeing some results from working out…. finally. Yeah, I’m seeing results which took much longer than my anticipated and completely unrealistic expectations of immediate results, but hey. We’ve arrived. So I celebrated by having a pizza one day and a burger and shake the next. I’m totally nailing this, right?

• I bought my car tabs on time*! (*on time as in July 1st. Tabs were due June 18th) So I didn’t actually buy them on time, or even in the correct month, but like close enough, right? I felt proud of myself as I strolled around town in my totally legal car. Still on this adult high I found myself at the grocery store today and walked by a car who’s tabs were due this month and they already have their 2019 sticker. It’s the second of the month, and this monster, this clearly overly responsible person, is way ahead of the game. My roommate and I talked about this menace and decided they probably say things like, “Showing up five minutes early is actually ten minutes late.” Or some other annoying pithy phrase. What a jerk, amiright?! (If you don’t sense the sarcasm, please know it’s there. I can only aspire to be that punctual!)

I’m sure I have more to share but I’m feeling tapped out. Working on being this beautifully flawed human, just like you. Thanks for your love

and a big thanks to those of you who reached out to check on me. Y’all are too kind.