What is a Year?

I started this blog, like I have many others, and abandoned it just as quickly. I’m not even going to say it’s my resolution to write on here more, but I do want to work on it. Fear is funny, it drove me to try just as much as it shot me down.

What is a year? I saw a lot of concerts this last year and couldn’t dance as much as I wanted to because of leg pain, but I did smile ear to ear a lot. I got to go on a few spontaneous excursions and they filled my soul with joy and a thirst for more. I tagged #ThisIs35 and #NailedIt on a lot of my photos because life is more fun with laughter in it and I don’t know what, “act your age,” means. I didn’t kiss any boys, but I did work on mending my heart and that appears to be a task still at hand. I’m a continuous work in progress and my soul is mending. I laughed with my family more times than we had in the last couple of years and I was reminded just how lucky I am. I cry when I hear The Beatles still, their music swells with words of love, life and joy, but they remind me of my father. That hole in my heart at times has overwhelmed me with all the feelings the loss of a complicated relationship brings, but lately it’s feeling more manageable. My sponsor gave me a new chip on my sober birthday, it was hard earned this year and I feel naked when it isn’t on my body.

This last year softened me as I forgave myself for grieving, began rebuilding and found some semblance of being an unapologetically flawed human. And thank God, right? I admired seemingly, “perfect,” people in my life, which wasn’t fair to them to hold them to that kind of pedestal – but it wasn’t fair to myself because I just self sabotaged at the first sign of failure. In other words, I sometimes have no idea what the fuck I’m doing and its pretty great.

So here’s to 2019. Here’s to more moments where I proverbially, ‘Nail It,’ laugh until I cackle and make my mom side eye me, find a new adventure, but most importantly…. Here’s to another year embracing being perfectly imperfect.

Cheers.