Truths, but mostly Lies

I tell myself stories. I’ve told myself so many that it’s often hard to single out my truth from an old narrative I’ve repeated for too long. Sadly the stories on repeat have almost exclusively been about how I’m unlovable, not worthy or simply not enough. Some of you are thinking how unoriginal it is to feel that, yet too many will relate. These are not the words I was taught by my parents, loved ones or by people whos opinions actually matter to me. I’ve told myself these things because some boy cheated, countless ghosted – hell one guy abandoned me days after a traumatic event. Online they saw my photos but not once did they see ME and too many couldn’t include me in their life and I made the horrible realization they didn’t like me *enough*. 



**What a fucked up narrative**



Or is it? What if I spun it? What if I told myself I’M WORTH MORE. I’m MORE than somebody to text at 1:15am. I DO NOT TOLERATE behavior that makes me feel less than. I AM ENOUGH. If you can’t see my value, *please leave*. What if between the cracks of heartbreak I was speaking these words with my actions? Maybe the whispered voices of my own empowerment were stronger than the pained cries that were audibly loud, but small and ineffective. What if the universe was doing for me what I could not do for myself by moving the pieces out of the way. Maybe this joy I feel today was something I curated for myself, not for anyone else to take or judge. What if I wasn’t the victim of my own life? What if I forgave not just you, but me, too? What if choosing myself wasn’t selfish? What if I healed? What if I could love me? 



Today is a day that would normally cause me to be bitter and resentful because while so many are with a partner, I won’t be… but y’know, this year I think I’ll choose to pick a shiny, new narrative. If you at all related to what I said, I hope you find the courage in you to change the story you’re telling yourself, too. It’s an ugly place but only you can reimagine it. Heal.

What is a Year?

I started this blog, like I have many others, and abandoned it just as quickly. I’m not even going to say it’s my resolution to write on here more, but I do want to work on it. Fear is funny, it drove me to try just as much as it shot me down.

How Did I Get Here?

It’s been two months, y’all. I don’t even know how that happened, I mean I do. I wasn’t ready to share and then I got overwhelmed by how much time I let pass. Ugh. The only person holding me accountable is me and I’m a real jerk sometimes – a real ball buster. So without further ado…

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First, let me unload my purse filled with garbage

Much like Jon Snow, I Know Nothing.

I’ve been working on this post for a while. And by working on it I mean I’ve talked out loud to myself in the car and shower alarming those around me… I turned 35 last Saturday and I’ve been quite reflective on my time here on Earth. So here we are folks… 10 points of wisdom words from me.

Life as a One Way Ticket

This is a transitional time of year for me; I apologize now for the heavy post. A lot of sad anniversaries are this time of year and I’m having difficulties sorting through exactly what they all mean to me. I’ve made an unfortunate habit of saying things like, “Last year was the worst,” or the more popular phrase I use often, “I hate this time of year.” Two super unhelpful things to say. Doesn’t mean there isn’t truth to those thoughts, but they aren’t propelling me anywhere but in a circle. This week is filled with heavy memories that weigh on my heart. A year ago today was Dad’s memorial. On Wednesday it will be three years since Aunt Mary Ellen passed away. Friday is Dad’s birthday. We wanted to throw Dad a huge blowout party for his birthday last year, but his cancer had other plans. Oof. Its quite the gut punch typing it all out like that.

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Yesterday was spent cleaning things out of mom’s house which meant going through numerous tear inducing memorabilia. There were lots of school projects with my family’s involvement but the one that really got me going was the below letter from my dad from a project I did in 5th grade (please ignore the fact he wrote, “Dad and I,” I dont know why he said that. Its his handwriting haha)

I suppose it’s not some sweet lengthy sentimental letter, but from him it was pretty close. Seeing his familiar handwriting, the all upper case letters… I could hear his voice as I read the words written on this silly project. I felt the gravity of what it means to say he’s been gone for over a year. The weight of that length of time without someone as important as him being absent in my life… It left me breathless.

I packed a box to take home. Its filled with a few letters, many photos and a couple worthless trinkets that are priceless in my eyes. Like the aqua My Little Pony, with its pink hair that twirls and a small pink guitar printed on its butt- it was the last gift given to me by Uncle Christopher before he passed away. The aforementioned school project with dad’s letter made its way home, too, along with a few other pieces of memorabilia from my childhood. I’m not sure what to do with them, to be honest, but for now I’m not ready to part.

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I can’t believe it’s been three years since Aunt Mary Ellen passed away. I never got to see her often enough, I can tell you that now. You know it’s time, not money, that is the currency of our lives. I wish we had more time. I wish for a lot of things, I guess. The sting in her absence has softened, but sometimes I still have to remind myself that I can’t call her and tell her some good news, or ask a simple question.

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These thoughts have been rummaging in my head and heart when I was reminded of a quote pastor Ryan Meeks has famously said many times, but it rang louder in this moment….

Love like it’s going to End

What a heavy and beautiful reminder to keep it present and in the now… We live in such a transactional, emotionally cheap society where relationships are either non existent or disposable – Romantic or otherwise. I challenge you friends, love like its going to end. Make the moments in your life count. Spend it with people you love and who build you up. Live the life you want, not the one you think society and family standards ask of you. Silence those narrative voices, the ones that hold you back and say, “you aren’t good enough.” Love with purpose. I’ve buried many friends and family, so I can tell you there is only one way outta here and this is a one-way ticket.

My heart is being dragged to some past memories, but my mind is pushing forward. I’m going to work on this, too. As Ryan had also said, an emotional resurrection starts with a downward journey. I’ll race you to the bottom, friends

So, now what?

I’ve been taking about starting a blog for years, so I felt pretty incredible and self-congratulatory for finally starting one and putting *one whole entry* up. I wasn’t quite expecting Oprah to hit me up afterwards, I mean not after atleast a few entries, but maybe Ellen? Who knows… I woke up the morning after and went to use the restroom *SLAM* left leg was asleep and I collapsed on the floor. Not graceful at all – my room isn’t large so I slammed in to the wall, hit my three shelf nightstand, WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY TRINKETS AND GLASSES OF WATER ON IT, hand slipped on a sock on the ground… All within seconds of me being awake.

The universe is quite excited for this blog, too. Clearly.

So now what? I mentioned learning to love myself, but how? It’s a process but I’m ready for some new changes to this. I got sober two plus years ago and saying my health and exercise routine wasn’t important prior to this change is an understatement… Since sobriety it’s remained a bit on the back burner between meetings, working, depression from my fathers passing… So I have some weight that I’ve gained that I’m not thrilled with, right? I’m not sitting here saying I’m fat, but I could stand to get in better shape. A sports massage therapist said my body was designed to birth many children – THANKS JANET, NO ONE ASKED. Also, a goal with getting in better shape is to get back on stage and perform… (I’ve danced for over 25 years and have cut back all performing the last two plus years)

Reward for reaching goals besides, I suppose, gratification? Mermaid swimsuit and clam seashell floatie so I can reach my final form – Ariel. Everyone needs a hobby y’all.

I’m not planning on turning this in to a gym blog, but I do hope to talk about it from time to time because that’ll mean I’m actually going. I bought a new sports bra this last week that I tried on once and then hid it, so I must be getting pretty serious. Note: I’m writing this while eating chocolate peanut butter cookies.

Wish my creaky knees and myself luck. XoXo

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